Tag Archives: feminist mommy

To Have It All, Just Ask

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jobinterview

The media is obsessed with examining the pursuit of women trying to “have it all,” almost always blaming feminism. But I just experienced what that ideal really means, at least to me.

I had a phone interview with a prospective employer. She was impressed by my credentials, I was attracted to the job. We discussed pay, logistics, etc. and then I didn’t hesitate to mention my son, who is now two. “Finding a job that values its employees’ commitment to their own lives, particularly their children, is paramount in my decision,” I told her. “I don’t want to apologize for sick days, or pretend that I’m not a mother.”

I waited.

Her response: “I feel you. When I first started working I was one of the first faculty hired and no one was having babies, certainly not talking about wanting them. Things have changed so much, at least around here, that I now stock kids’ toys in my desk’s bottom drawer in case someone needs to bring her child to work.”

I got the job. I was hired because I am qualified and enthusiastic. I took the job because I will be valued for those skills and not devalued for being a mother. I feel so much better knowing this going in rather than wading in the waters to figure out the climate of my new workplace.

My scenario exists in the slightly more flexible world of academia. I am taking a part-time teaching job at a local college while I continue to work on books and articles at home, while raising—and prioritizing—my child. But my experience is something all working mothers (and that’s each and every one of us) should think about. We need to put our wants and desires above those prescribed for us by everyone else.

The only reason we have the FMLA, flex-time, job sharing, or any semblance of prioritizing women and mothers in the workplace is because some of those very mothers demanded it. Women like my new boss benefitted from it and now she’s in a position to make sure others can as well. We still have a long way to go before women are forced to feel torn between career and motherhood, but we’re not going to get there unless we keep talking. Feminism has given us this opportunity; the lesson is that having it all is possible if you speak up for what you want to have.

Dang, Feminist Mommys Are Busy!

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Holy crap, it’s been two months since I posted a blog here. I guess that’s called parenting a toddler.

Well, I have many, many things to say about parenting, mommying and related feminist issues. Some bullets:

Jessica Valenti’s Why Have Kids?: Read it

Gwyneth Paltrow admitting to postpartum depression: Hugely important

Analyzing gay parenting through science: Interesting, provocative, but accurate?

Moms at the Emmys: Heidi Klum, Julie Bowen, Tina Fey and adorably pregnant Claire Danes all looked un-flipping-believable! Go, girls!

I’ll muse in more depth soon. Meanwhile, check out the goings-on at sexyfeminist.com. We’re gearing up to celebrate the release of our first book, SEXY FEMINISM on March 12, and have many events and appearances in the works — stay tuned!

Stay-At-Home Moms Are Feminists Too

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Remember Elizabeth Wurtzel? Quick recap: she wrote a book about depression and addiction called Prozac Nation (maybe you saw the movie), got famous, then posed naked on the cover of her next book, Bitch, flipping us all off. She’s now a lawyer and one would assume has a slightly more settled life than the memoir-making chaos that led to her early publishing success.

But she wants you to remember that middle finger. She’s flipping it again, and this time it’s directed at women. Namely, those who choose domestic responsibilities over career ones. In a new essay in The Nation, Wurtzel blames who she calls “1% moms” for the failure of feminism and the reason the war on women exists.

Yeah, wow.

The bulk of her argument is directed at the Desperate Housewife set—the moms with expense accounts (provided by their husbands), nannies and acrylic fingernails that eschew the dirty work of motherhood. Some of them have Ivy League degrees. Others just lucked out marrying a rich guy.

These women exist and, yes, I agree that their “work” as stay-at-home mothers is far different than nearly every other mom in the country. But the problem with Wurtzel’s argument is that her finger pointing drifts. In one paragraph she calls out the 1% women, and in the next, she makes a grand assumption that women who choose to stay home to raise their children and take care of the household are betraying their potential, and have the unique luxury to do so only because they’re wealthy.

“To be a stay-at-home mom is a privilege, and most of the housewives I have ever met — none of whom do anything around the house — live in New York City and Los Angeles, far from Peoria. Only in these major metropolises are there the kinds of jobs in finance and entertainment that allow for a family to live luxe on a single income.”

Continue reading →

I’m ‘Mom Enough’ to Call Bullshit When I See It

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We’ve all seen the now-infamous Time cover of the model-pretty mom breastfeeding her 3-year-old son, looking at the camera as if to say, “what of it, bitch?” Her conviction is actually kind of awesome (my philosophy on mothering is similar to the one I hold for feminism: There is no such thing as “the right way” and every woman reserves the right to make her own decisions for her relationships, career, body and family.) I take no offense to the image of a woman breastfeeding, even if her child is standing on a chair. And the article, its sidebars and even the supporting online content Time produced on the subject, attachment parenting, are great reads. They offer a well-balanced look at this social phenomenon that is certainly worth an expose in the nation’s leading newsweekly. It’s the words next to her that are offensive: “Are You Mom Enough?” the cover screams, presumably, at any woman who’s had a baby or is contemplating having one.

It’s provocative, it got everyone talking and sales and downloads of the issue broke records. Magazines are in the business of selling issues, so, job: done. I get it, I’ve often been tasked with writing headlines to do just that very thing. But this one teeters on an ethical tightrope. Tabloids and tabloid-y news media often prey on women’s insecurities to sell their content. But when the offending hook comes from a source that identifies as a serious, journalistic enterprise, there’s real harm being done.

Let’s look back at just a few of Time‘s recent scare-tactic headlines:

Nov. 29, 2010: “Who Needs Marriage?”

Nov. 30, 2009: ”The Case Against Over-Parenting”

Oct. 26, 2009: “Special Report: The State of the American Woman”

May 16, 2005: “A Female Midlife Crisis?”

In each case, if the headline doesn’t make it clear, the subheads and/or accompanying photo reiterate that the story is about something women have done wrong or need to fix. And oftentimes that’s not even the story angle once you get inside, to that real, investigative journalistic content that does, thankfully, still exist. Time can and should do better than this. It’s bad enough we have people out there conducting studies to tell us that women are unhappy and that women who have a career before children are too old to be having babies. The media needs to stop treating women, their lives, bodies and choices as a “problem” that needs a solution or even careful analysis. We grow, birth and nurture the world’s population, work in every industry, innovate businesses and work for tangible solutions to disease, poverty and war. We’re fucking awesome, so stop it with the looming question marks on your headlines already.